Wednesday, 05 June, 2002: Mmmmm, an odd bit of melancholy
is seeping back in. Try as I might to get away from it, melancholy always seems
to trickle back up into my more perceptible currents. I suppose that I don't
really ever "get away" from the feeling though, it's always there,
but the great majority of the time it's so deep a current that I don't notice
it unless I look for it. As long as I keep myself occupied I can ignore it.
Still, there's always that time at the end of the day when I slow down and sigh
to myself, looking out at the dark sky with a vague longing for something I
don't know what.
I was looking through Paige's journal today. So very different on the surface
but so fundamentally similar. She and Pav are both more concerned with the
metaphysical than I however. Perhaps I focus too much on this superficial
world. I know there's more to reality than we see, and I do explore it at
times, but I expend a lot of worry my surface world and all its simplicity.
I cannot be sure how much of it is "can't" and how much of it is
"won't", but I do not move beyond things with the regularity of
either Pavel or Paige.
At least part of it is my own unwillingness to detach myself from my old
fashioned ideas of personal honour and just what it means to be a "gentleman".
In many ways I'm a turn-of-the-century person. One does not replace what can
be mended. One does not buy something that is not quality. One talks discretely,
if at all, about relationships. One does not go back on his word. One does
whatever he must to avoid going back on his word, in fact, one's word should
be better than a contract. One should always be presentable when appearing
in public, which is to say that one's trousers should NEVER expose one's undergarments.
And so on and so forth.
Ah, well. Now I'm not only melancholic, but jaded too. Definitely a "young
Still, I wish I had some conception of just what it is that I'm missing. There's
a hole somewhere but I don't have the slightest clue where or why. Just the
obscure feeling that _something_ is missing. I can only hope that I will recognise
when the hole has been filled.
Sunday, 09 June, 2002: An interesting day today. Longer than I should
have thought it would be, but in a good way.
Ashley's graduation party was this afternoon, she's very excited about college;
talking of sororities and her classes this fall. I hope that she finds herself,
I get the impression always that she's drifting right now. And I hope above
all that when she does join a sorority that whichever one she joins has at
least a couple of people who will push Ash to read books by Hermann Hesse
and Robert Pirsig as I do. Can't have the progress she's made eroded by a
wash of vacuous sorority girls after all. :-P Ash will find her way well though.
I've never been more certain of something. Wonder what she thinks of my gift
of a copy of Siddhartha. My copy's been good to me, with a little luck her
copy should be the same.
Now if I could just keep myself from connecting Eric Clapton's song "Layla"
with Ashley, I'd be alright. ;-)
Spent a good part of the day today helping a neighbor with his computer.
Simple problems but a nice break-up of my normal routine. And since this neighbor
also happens to have a '77 Corvette there was also a good amount of just standing
around and shooting the breeze about cars and such. His 'Vette is a "T-Top"
and together with my 914 (which is a Targa) it helps to convince me that everyone
should own at least one car with a removable roof at some point in his life.
I start work in a week. Couldn't be more excited.
Wednesday, 12 June, 2002: I wonder what it is that makes me so attached
to the things I know and yet so desirous of new things. I've been going back
and forth on the idea of replacing my workhorse old Honda. On the one hand my
parents' argument of "after 210,000 miles how much more can it give"
is a rational one. On the other hand, the car doesn't burn any oil or make any
bad noises and it has a brand new transmission so there's not much left to go
wrong mechanically. Still, the refrain of "old stuff is old stuff"
keeps playing itself inside my head. The old girl's at that point where I either
choose to run it into the ground or start putting some serious money into it.
It's going to be the latter, I know. Tomorrow I think I'll see about getting
a price to nip the new rust in the bud and to re-seal the door bottoms. Nothing
like having your everyday car become a project. :)
I'd have loved having the 300ZX I looked at, I still want one in fact, but
I'm not about to part with ol' reliable to make things work with a Nissan.
Spent yesterday evening shooting the breeze with Jon. For one reason or another
I really enjoy doing that. Jon is a very blunt person. What you see is what
you get, if he thinks you're doing something stupid, he'll let you know. He
does have a bit of a talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time in
formal settings, but nobody really gives a shit about formal settings anyway.
At the ripe old age of 20, Jon has already mastered the lovably opinionated
nature of a jaded octagenarian.
Tomorrow's going to be a long day. I have to start on the monumental task
of cleaning my room and clearing a large portion of the things I have held
onto for several years too many. I really need to learn how to get rid of
Wednesday, 26 June, 2002: Been working for a week and a half now. Really
enjoying the job. The park at which I'm working has a running canal boat and
I'm still in love with the sight of the boat early in the morning when the haze
is lifting off the old Erie canal and the sky is orange with the sunrise. I
get up before the sun, put in my eight hours outside mowing and cleaning and
pruning and so forth, then I come home in the middle of the afternoon and spend
the evenings with family or friends. More rarely I take time to myself and I
let my mind wander.
Went to see Lilo and Stitch with Ashley and a mutual friend. Great movie,
at least, it's great if your whimsical side likes to come out and play as
much as mine does.
I shouldn't have gone to the movie though. At least, not with Ashley. Every
time I do something with her, I end up wondering why I did. It's not that
I don't enjoy spending time with her. Quite the contrary. I enjoy Ashley's
company more than anything else that I can bring to mind at this moment. It's
the tearing myself up afterwards that's the problem. I don't have the slightest
idea why she's got such a strong hold on me. It's not as though she's trying.
It's bothersome. I've had my share of "crushes" and those are incredibly
easy to kill. They don't give me problems. But it's somehow different with
her. This one's just not passing. I can probably think of a billion logical
reasons why I should just make a clean break. I just can't do it though. A
part of me won't let it happen. There's no compelling ration reason for me
to continue to put myself through this. It's my own manufacture to be sure,
but the only logical solution I can see is to avoid putting myself in the
situation that causes me to create my little problem. Still, my impulse side
keeps convincing me that her company is worth beating myself up over afterwards.
More importantly though, my intuition is against breaking away. I don't have
any delusions about suddenly getting a call from Ashley saying that she's
decided we'd make a good couple. That has about as much chance of happening
as me winning a "socialist of the year" award, which is to say roughly
one over infinity, or in laymen's terms, zero. I just wish I knew from where
this strange attraction is coming. It's an unknown variable. I don't like
unknowns. They tend to have a way of upsetting the equation.
I try to scream and can only sigh.
Why? Why, why, why?
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Last Updated: 26 June, 2002
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