Thursday, 06 March, 2003: Finished Pirsig's "Lila" again.
I really ought to read through it more often, there's always something else I
pick up, something else that's explained. Paige's assertion that communications
people are objective and that they just report what they observe has always set
off the little red light in my brain that is the perception of low Quality. She
simply cannot be as objective as she claims to be. Her filters are necessarily
active. Some things are perceived, others discarded. Some hypotheses are seen,
some are ignored. A person is always non-objective about the things that he perceives,
always non-objective about the hypotheses he sees.
I need to be more careful about the books I read. For example, if I know already
that I have a Don Quixote complex, then I ought to know that it would be unwise
to read through Cervantes' novel again. Yet I have taken Quixote up once again,
and I have been struck harder than before with just how attractive the life of
a knight-errant would be. To be sure, tilting at windmills is a fairly effective
way to get one's-self labled as "insane". On the other hand though,
the life would be enjoyable. Besides the enjoyment though, I'm tempted to conclude
that Quixote's actions are ultimately moral. In his own bumbling way, he has broken
free of the static social and static intellectual values of his day and he pursued
Dynamic Quality. Hmm, somthing to be on the watch for in this reading to see how
well my memory stacks up. To see if I'm fitting puzzle pieces where they don't
Wednesday, 12 March, 2003: Strange how it's possible to meet
someone for the very first time only to discover that you have known the person
for all eternity. It's enough sometimes to make one believe in an eternal soul.
Perhaps we're not searching for new people as we wander through life, perhaps
what we are really seeking are those who have always been our friends, but who
have been dispersed once more by whatever karmic force it is that does such things.
That's really what I'm looking for as I wander about looking for a companion,
I'm looking for someone I've been with before. I know that she's out there too.
I can feel it completely. Some people would say that God has someone (or the absense
of a someone) planned for us, perhaps that's the same thing I'm saying but in
different terms. Somewhere out there is the person I've been with before, the
person who will fit me, the person who is me. Only not me. The second half of
me. Or maybe the search is my second half. But I don't think so. As much as I
once saw myself single, I'm not seeing that anymore. At least not exclusively.
I can envision a future in which I don't find my companion, or one in which I
find my companion and don't recognise that I have, but I don't have a preference
for things to turn out that way any more.
I suddenly wonder if Shanna reads this at all anymore. I wonder what she'd think
about it all if she does read it. I should get in touch with her again.
Friday, 14 March, 2003: Heaven, Hell and the Devil. I've
taken lately to the conviction that it is these three things that most preclude
my being considered "Christian". The problem for me is not, I don't
think, accepting the Trinity, but rather accepting the baggage of Heaven, Hell
and Satan that seems to be permanently attached to the Trinity. The Trinity itself,
in isolation, fits well with most of my beliefs but I just can't accept a literal
Heaven, Hell or Satan. As metaphors all they aren't problematic, they fit. As
literal places and entities, they don't and I don't know that I can be shaped
in such a way that would make them fit. If I read the Bible as an allegory, as
a book of moral guidance by parables, the congruity with other religions such
as Buddhism is really quite striking. Taken literally, however, it just doesn't
jive. Not for me anyway.
Oh well. Everything else in life is going well. Driving out tomorrow to get a
length of vacuum hose for my car which should hopefully fix the A/C. Vacuum operated
valves tend to work best when the vacuum accumulator tank is actually connected
to the vacuum lines. Go figure. On the up-side, it's an incredibly inexpensive
fix. Should be less than $1.50 for the length of vacuum line.
Wednesday, 19 March, 2003: Do not ever develop insomnia while
leaving the cartoon network on the television. Especially not if you are predisposed
to like anime. :-\
Thursday, 27 March, 2003: "Yesterday it was my birthday,
I hung one more year on the line." Time slips by so quickly, yet the changes
come so slowly. The combination of the two can really throw a person. My situation
is so different from last year, yet I don't feel as though anything has changed.
New friends and new perceptions, but underneath it all I'm still the same. Having
found others who are also different does not make me feel any less out of step
with things. Not that I'm not making progress with some of my weaknesses, but
all of the gut reactions are still there. I suppose that I don't want those reactions
gone though, since they aren't bad per-se. If I can learn to let them go
then there's little danger in them.
Had an interesting dream last night. Dreamt that I was dreaming. Very odd feeling
to wake up from a dream only to later wake up from dreaming that I woke up. I
don't remember what I dreamt I was dreaming, but when I dreamt I woke I was sharing
a house with Paige and Pavel. I was laying in my bed listening to the sound of
the two of them talking in another room. Just the three of us though. Paige and
Pavel had each other as a Companion while I was still searching.
Only one more year of all this. One more year of goofing around in school and
not worrying. After that things are going to get very real, very quickly. Ah well,
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It used to be more frightening than
it is. Anymore it's just another step down a long, long road. Wish I knew where
my road was leading me. Wish I knew which side-paths lead to success and well-being.
Wish I did, but I don't. Which leaves me with two options. I can give it all up
as pointless and stop moving. Or I can keep putting one foot in front of the other
and at least enjoy the passing scenery and the surprises along the way. Only one
of those options is good, and so I walk on, searching. Sometimes finding, sometimes
not, sometimes worse than not.
Ran into Greta again today. Sitting down and eating my usual lunch in the cafeteria
when I hear someone say "Hey!". I wave back a "Hello" and
she and her friend come over and sit down. Kinda nice to know that I've made a
favourable enough impression that she'd want to come and sit with me even when
she's with a friend. Nice to meet her friend two. Would have been nice even if
her friend hadn't be a charming redhead (oddly enough, with the name Erin). Of
course, Erin's red-headed-ness certainly didn't hurt my evaluation of her. In
any case, it was a nice discussion and it lasted the better part of an hour. It
seems that I'm easy to like if I'll only get off my arse and meet people. I need
to remind myself of this more often. :-) The only thing stopping me is my own
paranoia I think.
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Last Updated: 06 March, 2003
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