December 2002

Wednesday, 04 December, 2002:  Been a long time since I've written anything on this page. Paige says too long, and Pavel is downright disappointed in me I do believe. This week I've re-discovered fiction writing, something I'd tried two years ago but lost interest in. It was nice to see that my old characters were still alive. One even picked up a new friend on the way.

Very tired today, don't know why. Seems the more time I spend working with my character (Jason Clarke) the more tired I become. I don't know why writing should be so draining. Anyway, I need to sleep.

Thursday, 05 December, 2002:  SNOW!! Snow everywhere. I love it. Covers up the city and almost makes it look good. It was funny to watch all the sheltered city people talk about how they complain about the cold and the snow. Personally, I find it all invigorating. The crisp winter air feels fresher in my lungs.

Less than a week and I'll be home again. I can't wait to be out of this city again. For some reason I'm feeling irritable lately, more things are rubbing me the wrong way than usually do, and I'm not sure what's triggering it. It doesn't feel like something the city has caused this time as it has not been very long since last I was home. Strange.

It's odd that I'm so happy about the snow and yet otherwise irritable.

Tuesday, 10 December, 2002:  Tomorrow I'll be home again. Back home with old friends and family. Back home without the responsibilities of school. Back home where all I have to deal with is the realisation that I'm thoroughly un-prepared for life after college. Life out on my own is looming large in front of me with only three more semesters to go. In a year and a half I'll be cut loose, going out to find a real job somewhere, hoping that I've picked the right one. Hoping that I don't end up flat on my back.

I look ahead and frankly I'm scared. What if I lose touch with everyone? I certainly won't be able to be on IM all the time as I am now. Even with E-mail relationships become stretched too thin and I'm afraid of ties being loosened through neglect. The old gang is already hundreds of miles apart from each other, what happens when we all get jobs doing heaven knows what, heaven knows where? Where do we go from here?

And what of things with Shanna? Where will we be then? What happens when I get the job I want? I'm basically committed to go wherever they want to send me if I go with it. How are things going to work if I get sent to some place in Alaska or something? Even in a best case scenario I'll be more than 450 miles from home with the job I want.

Also, what's going to happen with Paige and David and Pavel? Pavel and I are already distancing and I don't know how to stop it. I feel closer to Paige and David, but what happens when we become even more adult and have other demands on our time aside from talking with friends we've not yet met in person? Are Paige and Pavel and David going to become "people I used to know" like all the figures in the stories of my parent's youth?

I look ay my parents and as much as I admire them, I don't want to become like them. They've settled down. They don't travel. They've committed themselves to a family. An admirable committment to be sure, but what about the cost? They describe their friends in the past tense, and they hear from their old friends perhaps three or four times a year. I want to keep mobile. To retain the ability to see my friends. To keep in touch and not sacrifice communications with my friends for the sake of a family.

But life rolls on. It doesn't give me the time to look back, or even to look around. All I can do is look forward. Look forward and wonder what is coming and what will become of me and my friends as we each move on to persue our own paths. Wonder if we'll keep in touch as our paths diverge. Wonder how strong the bonds will be between me and those whom I have met through the internet. Wonder most of all how strong the bonds between Shanna and I will prove to be. I don't want to find that the bonds are less strong than I hope, but I can't help but wonder where it's all going to end up.

Thursday, 19 December, 2002:  Been an interesting week and change since the last entry. Tinkered with the 924S and once the steering rack is fixed (leaks like a seive) it will be basically 100%. I've been driving the new car all break and I'm pretty well weaned off of the Honda. Gonna miss that car when it's gone though. Oh well, what must be must be. And I love the 924S, it's an amazing machine and the girl seems to really enjoy being driven again. Maybe it's just happy to be out of the hands of the previous owner.

I've only seen Shanna once over break. Not right. She's been sick for the last few days though, and knowing her I think it's best that I let her rest. As much as I know that she would prefer to be able to, she just can't ignore illness as I do. Sooner or later it will catch up to me also though. Until then I guess I'll just keep avoiding doctors at all costs though.

Visited Jess in Ada on Tuesday and Wednesday. Matt and I drove down in the 924S and stayed at the house that Jess and some of her friends are renting from the university. It was, as always, good to see her again. Her housemates are interesting people too. I'd met two of them the past few times I've been down to visit Jess, and we fell back into conversation well. The other housemate is very nice as well, seems a good bit more reserved than Jess and the other two though. She seemed rather like how I imagine I would be in a house with three other people I hadn't known for a long, long time. Wasn't as actively conversational as Jess and her other two housemates, but she was quite plesant to talk with once you got her going.

It's been great to see everyone, well, everyone whom I've been able to see so far. I've yet to run into Ash, and a few people are still being bothered by finals. Still, it's nice to have seen the old friends who are available.

Saw "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" last night, amazing film. The visuals were simply stunning, and the casting was extremely well done. Just as it was with the first, so too it is with the second. The only troubling thought is that there is only one more film of the trilogy left to see. I would love nothing more, I think, than the ability to visit Tolkien's Middle Earth. That's not quite right though now that I think about it. I'd love the ability to visit all of the fantastic places of fantasy that I've read about. The chance to take part in some of the amazing stories would be worth a great deal to me. I suppose that a Star Trek sort of "holodeck" would be sufficient. It would be quite amazing to experience, even synthetically, the places I've envisioned during my readings.