July 2002

Saturday, 13 July, 2002:  Both Ashley and my cousin's girlfriend have, shall we say, questionable reputations, but I can't help but think that I can see something more substantial to both of them. I can think of three explanations.

The first is that I'm seeing something that other people are unable to see. This strikes me as rather unlikely and more than a little bit arrogant on my part to assume that I'm able to see so much more.

Second, everyone else could be seeing what I am, but just ignoring it because of the much stronger superficial appearance. I see the same problems with this explanation as I do with the first.

Third, I could be projecting something onto these people that's just not there because I want to believe that they are better people because I've already decided to like the people. This is the most likely when I look at things logically, but I don't like what it says about me. I dislike the idea of losing my objectivity.

Thursday, 25 July, 2002:  OK, it's been weighing heavily on my mind lately how long it's been since I've spoken with either Pavel or Paige. I should really talk with one or the other soon, if only just to keep in touch. Time to send some E-mails I guess.

The extent of my non-socialisation is starting to sink in. Actually, I think that "sink" is a misnomer, it implies a slower process. This realisation is more akin to being hit with the proverbial ton of bricks. In the past couple of days I've discovered that I'm not "a little behind most people my age" when it comes to dealing with a relationship; it seems that the true situation is that I am flying completely blind. No instruments and the plane's radio is dead. I'm also starting to wonder if there isn't as much avgas in the tank as I thought. I'm still in the air though. That's good enough for now, and I think that some of the instruments may be deciding to work.

"Man, there's really something wrong with you,
One day you're gonna self-destruct.
You're up, you're down,
I can't work you out.
You get a good thing going,
Then you blow yourself out."

I'll have to spend some time just sitting and thinking about this while I'm in New Hampshire. Six days away from a computer. Friends warned on pain of death that I'm to be reached in emergencies only. Time to get up into the mountains and think without distractions. Different purpose to the trip this year. Not so much a visiting trip as it was. More of a pilgrimage. I think I'll keep a journal with me though to jot down thoughts. Random thoughts as they enter my head, less concern given to coherence than here even. I figure that maybe the things I run into while I fly blind will help keep me in the air instead of bringing me down.

If nothing else, it will be interesting to see where these recent developments take me. So far I think that the direction is good. At the very least, I'm enjoying it.