November 2002

Sunday, 03 November, 2002:  Well, Paige nagged me tonight, so I'm going to be updating. A lot has happened this weekend, but none of it would suit my journal's purposes. I write when I want to explore an emotion, or when I'm feeling particularly wistful, or when something is troubling me, or when something is confusing me. The idea of this becoming nothing more than a "this is what I did today" diary doesn't strike me as good. I write because I want to make some sort of progress though something, or when I want to hold on to a feeling, or sometimes it's just an exercise in melancholy, but it's never meant to be simply a listing of things done today.

OK, random thoughts. Listening to Cat Stevens again. He's an amazing singer, and a more amazing songwriter, a poet really. In his songs I can see shades of my own wanderings and searchings.

Talking with Pavel again. It has been too long since I've had one of these discussions with him. He's an amazing intellect and I need to converse with him more often. He is like a whetstone, sharpening my mind. And yet, he opens it at the same time, by displaying his knowledge he entices me to add to my own meager store of knowledge and to gain experiences.

Jessica and I are tossing theological ideas back and forth, and impressing each other greatly. I'm consistently amazed at just how well intelligence brings out intelligence in a self-stroking cycle that simply ends with both parties performing at their best because of a mutual respect and a joy in the exchange of ideas. Talking with her in person over Thanksgiving break will be most welcomed.

Sunday, 10 November, 2002:  It's one o'clock in the morning and I've just finished watching 'Casablanca' for the umpteenth time. There's just something about Bogart's character in that movie. I think it ties in with the type of life I fantasize about; the lone wolf, the cat who walks by himself. It's almost disturbing sometimes when I notice that I'm alone in all my visions of the future. Whenever I ask myself about where I see myself in five or ten years I always see a solitary man. I see a person trying his damnedest to stand like a stone and to support himself entirely on his own. I know Paige doesn't like that I see myself that way, and I know she likes it even less that I seem to want to be that way. I need to talk about this with Shanna. Actually talk about it, face to face and person to person. I really hope that I remember this when I'm home over Thanksgiving.

"I daydream, for hours it seems,
I keep thinking of you, yeah thinking of you.
These daydreams, what do they mean?
They keep haunting me, are they wanting me?
Daylight turns into night,
I try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight." - Foreigner

Why do I have a problem with not having a problem with how I see my future progressing? Is it just some artificial feeling induced by my contact with someone who doesn't like the way I see my life going? Or is it something else, something that's not artificially induced? Regardless of what it is, how closely should I look at it? Is is something that I need to really worry about? Even if I should worry about it, is it important enough to make me rethink my ideal of the "rambling man"? Even if I should rethink things, should I change them?

And so the questions build. Ad infinitum.

Monday, 11 November, 2002:  "I see an eternity of life in you, of love that you'll suffer if you don't give. Suffering may be your choice, that suffering willingly taken in place of else that you desire so strongly. Which desire will rule in the long term is what I question. What part of yourself do you lose if you don't give it away to people close to you? It may be a part you're full willing to let die. I think it'll hurt you if it does, more than you're possibly aware of. 'I know she likes it even less that I seem to want to be that way.' No, there is no like or dislike, only foreknowledge of where you will be left in forty years if you choose that path and successfully follow it through, like I know you are capable of doing. I am not inclined to let someone I care about shut themself off from all caring. There's a lot to life, and you indulge in the incredibleness of one part, at the cost of understanding the wonder in the rest." - Paige

I know what Paige is getting at. I understand what she's sensing. I know that I'll lose something if I do end up as the solitary man. I know that there will be discomfort in that life. I know that type of life will lack to comfort of closeness, the comfort of a person who's there at the end of the day, and yet I just can't seem to get fully comfortable when I'm stuck in one place. If I am stationary for too long the road calls, and it calls loudly. Maybe it's just all the exploring I didn't do when I was younger finally making up time, or maybe it's something else. Maybe I'm willing to pay the price of lonliness and be the rolling stone. Or maybe I just think I'm willing...