Random Musings

August 2003

Friday, 08 August, 2003: I know You are there in at least some capacity, be it the capacity Paige and her group believes or in some other capacity, I know that You exist. I can feel You at times when I'm not sure of myself and I can look back at the times when things should have gone wrong but didn't and I simply know. So I'm sure that You're there. Why then do the words that are supposedly Yours ring so hollow to me? Is it simply that I have been trying too long to stand on my own and that I have, as a result, begun to stand as one made of stone? Standing as one who appears to be immovable and yet one who is worn away by the tiniest bits of sand? Have I fancied myself to be on my own for so long now that to submit to another requires more breaking than bending? I am not accustomed to either. Will it be a slow wearing away? To that I am accustomed, though I have not experienced it in a constructive way. It seems to bring pain as I have experienced it. Perhaps I am simply not yet ready to see. I know that You know better than I do, but am I destined, as it seems, to be in this hazy realm between belief and unbelief? Between Faith and nothing?

Wednesday, 13 August, 2003: "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill,
I could see the city light.
Wind was blowing, time stood still,
Eagle flew out of the night.

He was something to observe,
Came in close, I heard a voice.
Standing, stretching every nerve,
I had to listen, had no choice.

I did not believe the information,
Just had to trust imagination.
My heart was going boom boom boom,
"Son," He said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home."

(Hey hey, but who are You?)

To keep in silence I resigned,
My friends would think I was a nut.
Turning water into wine,
Open doors would soon be shut.

So I went from day to day,
Though my life was in a rut.
'Til I thought of what I'd say,
Which connection I should cut.

I was feeling part of the scenery,
I walked right out of the machinery.
My heart was going boom boom boom,
"Son," He said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home."

(Yeah back home.)

When illusion spins her net,
I'm never where I want to be.
And liberty she pirouettes,
When I think that I am free.

Watched by empty silhouettes,
Who close their eyes but still can see.
No-one taught them etiquette,
I will show another me.

Today I don't need a replacement,
I'll show them what the smile on my face meant.
My heart was going boom boom boom,
"Hey," I said, "You can keep my things, just come to take me home."

Thursday, 14 August, 2003: OK, so I need to agree with You before I can have faith. Those with faith insist that I won't agree until I have faith. Nice little circular loop there that prevents those with faith from questioning things.

Friday, 15 August, 2003: "You should read Romans.", she says when I say that I have begun to study. And so I do what is uncharacteristic for me except with her, I agree without looking into things. As usual though, I can't help myself and I do some background work on Romans beforehand. Romans expects a foundation in the Old Testament that I do not have. Paige must certainly have known that Romans expects this, and she certainly knew that I am lacking in that foundation. Without that foundation, I have no way to evaluate the arguments in Romans. I would have no power to refute (if indeed, refutation is possible) the assertions. And I'm left to wonder if this was an oversight on her part or if it was rather more intentional and she didn't want me to have that foundation. Perhaps it was out of a hope that Romans would colour my interpretation of the Old Testament rather than the other way around. Or perhaps I'm paranoid.

Sunday, 17 August, 2003: I have been suitably chastised for the last entry. =P So from now on I'll be leaving out the stream-of-consciousness ramblings in favour of carefully edited comments that are designed to be impossible to misinterpret while at the same time providing no useful information whatsoever. And if you believe that, then I have some beautiful oceanfront property in Kingsman Arizona to sell you.

Anyway, I realise that my last entry makes Paige seem rather more scheming than she is in actuality. That said, I know that she has a strong desire for me to become a brother in a fuller sense and I would be stupid to think that such desires did not at least subconsciously affect her recommendations. I can't conceive of her recommending Romans out of a conscious desire to have me exposed to the book at a point where I would be most receptive to what it has to say, but I know already that she and I differ in our interpretations of the level of literal-ness (I know that's not a word, I don't care) of the Bible and I think that the passages onto which I will latch are going to be significantly different from the passages Paige finds comfort in. So while I don't think that Paige's recommendation was malicious, I do think that I am best off to do as I intended originally; read through in chronological order.
*****
And now, on a lighter note. You know you're in a college apartment when:

The most comfortable piece of furniture you have in the room is a lawn chair from the CVS.
The kitchen is smaller than the one in your uncle's 20 foot motorhome.
The toilet was made at some time during the Kennedy administration, and the toilet seat you just replaced seems to be even older.
You have been cautioned to unplug the refridgerator when using the microwave.
You are currently sleeping on a "bed" that converts into a chair or a couch and which was obviously not intended for extended use.
"Extended use" means more than four hours.
Your father's first words upon seeing the neighborhood were, "Lock your doors."
It's still worlds better than the dorms.
*****
Back again, lots of writing today, must be the lack of ability to amuse myself on the internet since my phone's not setup yet. Mild depression's hitting again. For some reason I find myself missing Shanna. Maybe it's simply her contrast to Brianne's cool and indifferent attitude. I know intellectually that Shanna and I were not a good fit, but I really miss the contact. Brianne has more experience with relationships than I do, not that I think she's really that much more "experienced" in the physical sense but she's seen a few relationships come and go and I get the impression that this is just another in a series to her. I know her well enough to know that my attentions are not unwelcome, but at the same time she is clearly not desireous of putting much effort into any relationship right now. Hopefully I'll get things straightened out when I see her in person next, though that might be a while in coming. That said, I'm persistant enough that I'll make sure that we get the chance to talk it over. Also, knowing Brianne, I rather doubt that she'll be pursued by many of the typical college males so I'm not terribly worried about being surpassed, especially given her attitude towards relationships.

Tuesday, 19 August, 2003: I sat eating lunch and watched the sparrows flitting about me hoping that I'd toss them a tidbit of french fry. The little birds here in the city sure are less wary of humans than are the birds back home. There was a particular pair that captured my attention. The one was flitting about from place to place while the other followed it, chirping. The first sparrow certainly didn't seem annoyed by the follower, but remained indifferent. It made me think of Brianne and myself.

On the way back from the bank I heard a couple talking in Russian. I thought about Paige.

And now another song. I know, I know. I always post songs. It's just that usually my fellings have already been felt and better expressed by someone else. As it is, Huey sums things up pretty well. I should have given Brianne this address, but she's not one to check the internet.

"I Know What I Like" - Huey Lewis

I like things that go fast,
'Cause I know that good things don't ever last.
I like believing in what I want to,
Don't like no-one to tell me what to do.
And I like the times that we've had,
But I couldn't tell you what's good or bad.
I'm only hoping that you understand,
This feeling that I'm feeling, when I'm holding your hand.

I know what I like,
I know what I like to do.
I know what I like.

I like the sound of breaking glass,
And if you don't believe me, why did you ask?
I like leaving town and coming back home,
I'm gonna show you when we're all alone.
And I like staying up all night,
Watching old movies 'til the morning light.
I don't pretend to know what is right or wrong,
But I won't like leaving if I stay here too long.

I know what I like,
I know what I like to do.
I know what I like,
Well what about you?

I like things that don't change,
'Cause the more something changes the more it stays the same.
And I might be simple, I take it easy sometimes,
But I can be stubborn when I've made up my mind.

I know what I like,
I know what I like to do.
I know what I like,
I know.

Thursday, 28 August, 2003: Well, it's done with Brianne. For the time being anyway. She's just not interested in a relationship right now. It disappointed me a little at the time, but now I'm thinking that there may actually have been some positive results from it. Maybe.

You again. I know You're there. Quietly calling to me, waiting for me to pay attention to the wispers. Could You maybe just get it the heck over with? Make me see. Give me something on which I can base a faith. If You're really there, just give me something obvious! You're not going to win me with Your Heaven. I'm not afraid of Your Hell. I want nothing to do with a faith that I have just because I want to save myself. That's not faith. I want to KNOW! JUST FRIGGIN SHOW ME!

Sunday, 31 August, 2003: So I know that I could give myself over completely to my Companion. Why is there a sticking point when I think about giving myself over completely to You? Is it simply because I can understand human motives while Yours escape me? I know that You would give Yourself to me if I gave myself to You and I know that I don't have that guarantee with a human. So why do I not move?

*****

And I found my head one day, when I wasn't even trying. :-)

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Last Updated: 31 August, 2003