Random Musings

March 2003

Thursday, 06 March, 2003: Finished Pirsig's "Lila" again. I really ought to read through it more often, there's always something else I pick up, something else that's explained. Paige's assertion that communications people are objective and that they just report what they observe has always set off the little red light in my brain that is the perception of low Quality. She simply cannot be as objective as she claims to be. Her filters are necessarily active. Some things are perceived, others discarded. Some hypotheses are seen, some are ignored. A person is always non-objective about the things that he perceives, always non-objective about the hypotheses he sees.

I need to be more careful about the books I read. For example, if I know already that I have a Don Quixote complex, then I ought to know that it would be unwise to read through Cervantes' novel again. Yet I have taken Quixote up once again, and I have been struck harder than before with just how attractive the life of a knight-errant would be. To be sure, tilting at windmills is a fairly effective way to get one's-self labled as "insane". On the other hand though, the life would be enjoyable. Besides the enjoyment though, I'm tempted to conclude that Quixote's actions are ultimately moral. In his own bumbling way, he has broken free of the static social and static intellectual values of his day and he pursued Dynamic Quality. Hmm, somthing to be on the watch for in this reading to see how well my memory stacks up. To see if I'm fitting puzzle pieces where they don't actually fit.

Wednesday, 12 March, 2003:   Strange how it's possible to meet someone for the very first time only to discover that you have known the person for all eternity. It's enough sometimes to make one believe in an eternal soul. Perhaps we're not searching for new people as we wander through life, perhaps what we are really seeking are those who have always been our friends, but who have been dispersed once more by whatever karmic force it is that does such things.

That's really what I'm looking for as I wander about looking for a companion, I'm looking for someone I've been with before. I know that she's out there too. I can feel it completely. Some people would say that God has someone (or the absense of a someone) planned for us, perhaps that's the same thing I'm saying but in different terms. Somewhere out there is the person I've been with before, the person who will fit me, the person who is me. Only not me. The second half of me. Or maybe the search is my second half. But I don't think so. As much as I once saw myself single, I'm not seeing that anymore. At least not exclusively. I can envision a future in which I don't find my companion, or one in which I find my companion and don't recognise that I have, but I don't have a preference for things to turn out that way any more.

I suddenly wonder if Shanna reads this at all anymore. I wonder what she'd think about it all if she does read it. I should get in touch with her again.

Friday, 14 March, 2003:   Heaven, Hell and the Devil. I've taken lately to the conviction that it is these three things that most preclude my being considered "Christian". The problem for me is not, I don't think, accepting the Trinity, but rather accepting the baggage of Heaven, Hell and Satan that seems to be permanently attached to the Trinity. The Trinity itself, in isolation, fits well with most of my beliefs but I just can't accept a literal Heaven, Hell or Satan. As metaphors all they aren't problematic, they fit. As literal places and entities, they don't and I don't know that I can be shaped in such a way that would make them fit. If I read the Bible as an allegory, as a book of moral guidance by parables, the congruity with other religions such as Buddhism is really quite striking. Taken literally, however, it just doesn't jive. Not for me anyway.

Oh well. Everything else in life is going well. Driving out tomorrow to get a length of vacuum hose for my car which should hopefully fix the A/C. Vacuum operated valves tend to work best when the vacuum accumulator tank is actually connected to the vacuum lines. Go figure. On the up-side, it's an incredibly inexpensive fix. Should be less than $1.50 for the length of vacuum line.

Wednesday, 19 March, 2003:  Do not ever develop insomnia while leaving the cartoon network on the television. Especially not if you are predisposed to like anime. :-\

Thursday, 27 March, 2003:   "Yesterday it was my birthday, I hung one more year on the line." Time slips by so quickly, yet the changes come so slowly. The combination of the two can really throw a person. My situation is so different from last year, yet I don't feel as though anything has changed. New friends and new perceptions, but underneath it all I'm still the same. Having found others who are also different does not make me feel any less out of step with things. Not that I'm not making progress with some of my weaknesses, but all of the gut reactions are still there. I suppose that I don't want those reactions gone though, since they aren't bad per-se. If I can learn to let them go then there's little danger in them.

Had an interesting dream last night. Dreamt that I was dreaming. Very odd feeling to wake up from a dream only to later wake up from dreaming that I woke up. I don't remember what I dreamt I was dreaming, but when I dreamt I woke I was sharing a house with Paige and Pavel. I was laying in my bed listening to the sound of the two of them talking in another room. Just the three of us though. Paige and Pavel had each other as a Companion while I was still searching.

Only one more year of all this. One more year of goofing around in school and not worrying. After that things are going to get very real, very quickly. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. It used to be more frightening than it is. Anymore it's just another step down a long, long road. Wish I knew where my road was leading me. Wish I knew which side-paths lead to success and well-being. Wish I did, but I don't. Which leaves me with two options. I can give it all up as pointless and stop moving. Or I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and at least enjoy the passing scenery and the surprises along the way. Only one of those options is good, and so I walk on, searching. Sometimes finding, sometimes not, sometimes worse than not.

Ran into Greta again today. Sitting down and eating my usual lunch in the cafeteria when I hear someone say "Hey!". I wave back a "Hello" and she and her friend come over and sit down. Kinda nice to know that I've made a favourable enough impression that she'd want to come and sit with me even when she's with a friend. Nice to meet her friend two. Would have been nice even if her friend hadn't be a charming redhead (oddly enough, with the name Erin). Of course, Erin's red-headed-ness certainly didn't hurt my evaluation of her. In any case, it was a nice discussion and it lasted the better part of an hour. It seems that I'm easy to like if I'll only get off my arse and meet people. I need to remind myself of this more often. :-) The only thing stopping me is my own paranoia I think.

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Last Updated: 06 March, 2003