Random Musings

September 2003

Thursday, 04 September, 2003: Turn and face the strange changes.

Friday, 05 September, 2003:

We got to learn how to listen, before we learn to talk.
We got to learn how to crawl, befor we learn to walk.
If you want a little peace, sometimes you got to fight.
We got to walk through the darkness,
Before we stand in the light.
But I know it won't be long, I see both sides now.

Thursday, 18 September, 2003: What the hell just happened? Just how dumb can I possibly be?

I can't keep doing this. It's just not good at all. If I don't get this squared away soon, then I'm in great danger of backsliding, or worse, creating my own little personal hell on earth as I suspend contact with what is important. I should have known better when she said that she'd rather be lied to than hear the truth if the truth were painful. Being human is a pain. Things were simpler when I did not have these sorts of feelings or desires. This is highly bad. I'm going to have to hurt her, but better now than later. Good heavens why do I attract this type? It's like Shanna again. Ugh. So much progress in some areas and none at all in others. It's depressing. Thank heaven that I don't have any alcohol in the apartment.

Tuesday, 23 September, 2003:

Then I found my head one day, when I wasn't even trying,
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying.
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?
Kick out the devil's sin, pick up, pick up the Good Book now.

It happened. How did it take me so long? Why did I build those walls? Why didn't I want to see? I did so much wrong. And none of it matters because You forgive me still. You always had me, You were always embracing me. It must have broken Your heart to see me turn away as I did. How sad it must have been to watch me walk away thinking I was on my own. How sad and angering that I, one so insignificant and unimportant, should claim to know better than You. And yet You rejoice that I have returned. I left cursing Your great name. I put up walls to keep me from coming back to you. I refused to see when I started to come back to You. And yet You rejoice that I have returned. There is nothing I can give You that will come close to attoning for the wrongs I have done You, but I will give all that I have. You can take me. Use me to glorify Your name. Let me be your servant. I will follow Your ways forever, for You are Lord. You alone are Lord.

I know that things will not always be easy for me. I know that I will have hard times. But nothing, nothing at all can be worse than the exile from You that I had imposed on myself. I pray that I always remember what it was like to be apart from Your family. No matter what tragedy may befall me now, I know that it will be incomparably better than the greatest triumph if the triumph were achieved apart from You. You are my Lord. I have come home. I have come home to stay with You for all of time.

Thursday, 25 September, 2003:

"What will people think,
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak?
What will people do when they find that it's true?
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak.
There ain't no disguising the truth."

This is going to be interesting. I'm kind of looking forward to seeing how this all changes others' opinions of me.

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Last Updated: 31 August, 2003